A Critical Reading of Patrick Bateman’s Morning Routine

A Critical Reading of Patrick Bateman’s Morning Routine
March 18, 2016 sally gluckstern
ReFresh Byron Bay Blog Patrick Bateman American Psycho

American Psycho turns 25 this week — which means that in a fictional alternate universe, Bret Easton Ellis’s Patrick Bateman is 52 years old, smurfing and undoubtedly still storing people in his closet.

Even though it’s the book’s anniversary we’re observing, we’re going to focus primarily on Mary Harron’s 2000 film adaptation, which stripped away some of the book’s humble-bragging vibe and amped up the satire. If you don’t believe us, just check out this Charlie Rose segment with Ellis, Harron and star Christian Bale, in which Ellis pins the blame for the book’s mixed reception on a “misreading.”

To truly understand Patrick Bateman, we must first wrestle with — which is to say, fact-check — the assertions presented in his morning grooming ritual. He has, as you would expect, a lot to say.


Assertion: An icepack is the superior way to address a puffy eye situation

Verdict: FALSE

Ice packs can damage the delicate skin around the eyes, which comes with its own set of rules. Don’t touch it, don’t rub it and don’t expose it to unnecessarily cold things: there’s a reason “freezer burn” doesn’t sound nice, even if we’re not going all the way to those temperatures. A better option? “I like cucumbers,” says Vaughn Acord, celebrity groomer and creator of the V76 grooming line.

Assertion: 1,000 crunches is the superior daily core workout

Verdict: FALSE

Doing 1,000 of anything is not an ideal workout situation. Any muscle will both accommodate the move (meaning that it works less each time) and be worn out by it (meaning risk of injury becomes higher). We swear by the best video of Tony Horton’s X2 video series, which is focused on core strength and influenced by Pilates and yoga. Acord recommends spinning.

Assertion: Use both a “water-activated gel cleanser” AND a body scrub every day

Verdict: TRUE

Noting that most cleansers are, indeed, water activated, we’re down with his general plan here. “What I recommend is a daily regimen of cleansing, exfoliating, and then moisturizing,” says Sally Gluckstern, CEO of natural products line Refresh Byron Bay. Exfoliators can either be mechanical (a loofah, ground nut shell, etc.) or chemical (enzymes and acids). Either works, though we prefer a physical exfoliator like Kiehl’s Ultimate Man Body Scrub Soap, which uses oat bran. For a moisturizer, try Gluckstern’s body lotionwith lemon myrtle oil, vitamin E and almond E — it absorbs fast, with a light, natural fragrance.

Assertion: No man is too manly for the occasional “herb-mint facial mask”

Verdict: GO FOR IT

Noting that masks are not the same as peels (which are often stronger), a mask can be a solid twice-weekly play — they can clean out pores, moisturize sad winter skin and brighten things up in a way a cleanser can’t. A multitasking success: Malin + Goetz’s Detox Face Mask. Five minutes and you’re done.

Use an aftershave lotion/product with no alcohol — it dries out your skin

Verdict: TRUE

“For me, it’s more about after-shave healing by feeding the face with aloe and moisturizers, or even using a hydration spray afterward,” says Acord. “I recommend our V76 Beard Oil and Tonic Hair and Scalp.” He also notes that “it’s important to always prep the face with steam.”


Read the full article on InsideHook

Comments (3)

  1. Jezebel 2 years ago

    I agree that men should be using products to keep their skin clean, fresh and moisturised, but a mask?, a peel? 1000 crunches? Maybe he could get outside in an effort to embody the ‘rugged’ look, rather than hang out in the bathroom with his eye mask on… I guess that’s more my type. I don’t want to share the bathroom, or my products!! Seriously though, using multi purpose products eliminates so much of this complicated routine. I reckon a man is better looking if he puts less effort in. Just wash, shave and go with a couple of products that are well chosen for their nourishing, protective and rejuvenating properties. Then again, I’ve got simple tastes… Let’s talk about the beard!!

    • Author
      Miss Myrtle 2 years ago

      Yes! The inimitable beard..To grow or to not! Personally I too am a fan of the more rugged male, and promise it’s only in terms of look. To me, the level of effort to preen and impress must follow the philosophy of ‘less is more’. When I was a teenager and soo soooooooo soooooooooooo ridiculously self conscious I always used to think ” god it’s unfair guys don’t have to do anything”…All this work and women have to do it all the time. Basically every time they see a mirror..I’m glad those days are over to be honest. However, getting back to the point here, which is really skincare; a regime may be appropriate given the toxins, etc men ( and women) are exposed to these days ( like we weren’t before!!) + given there are so many more diagnosable skin problems/diseases now that may benefit from skin care on a daily basis I can see that there is perhaps an argument for this…However,for the most part, in my opinion, it should be fragrance-less and quick…No action should be causing your guy to linger in the bathroom for long periods putting on creams, or engaging in extended skincare regimes..I actually can’t imagine my partner doing it. It’s just not him and in a way, I like that. I also like the 2 -3 day growth he often has and old Bonds T-shirts he wears. He never wears aftershave and I can’t imagine he ever would despite being given some very nice ones..He showers daily, never misses, in the mornings. He’s definitely clean. His daily showering is with a natural soap and perhaps some cleansing foam or exfoliation a few days per week and maybe a moisturising cream or nourishing oil that also assists in the hair. No aftershave, oil instead.. People think is blocks the pores but the rights oils do the reverse…I will share a couple of articles for those that may not know and are interested …Thus, in our bathroom there is hopefully both but if not, at least one: RE+FRESH exfoliating Lemon Myrtle soap or R+F Cleansing Foam (Aust Wattle + Eucalyptus, Tea Tree or Kangaroo Paw Flower) and a R+F TREATMENT OIL which can moisturise, hydrate, protect and can be used for hair as well as face…I’m actually quite interested to hear about other guys and what there regimes are…
      So hope to hear more responses to this soon… Florence from despatch x

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